I Only See Gray
I will never forget the patient who gave me the best description of depression I ever heard. She was a 17 year old highly intelligent and very articulate patient on a hospital crisis unit who had attempted suicide. As her therapist, I visited her for a counseling session. It happened to be a beautiful spring day in early May with bright sunshine and flowers blooming outside. I was fortunate to work at a first class hospital, where the patients had individual rooms and large picture windows overlooking beautifully landscaped gardens. As I was visiting with her, I walked over to the window and noticed that there was a team of gardeners planting flowers of many types with vibrant colors. I asked the patient to get out of bed and view the scene. I commented, "Aren't those flowers so beautiful? The colors are so bright." She replied, "The only color I see is gray. The world is gray to me." I asked, "but surely you see the many colors of the flowers." She said, "Of course I do. I can see red from yellow. It doesn't matter to me. To me they are all gray." Wow. I was stunned.
After a few moments of gathering my thoughts, I asked her to elaborate. She said that her whole life is "gray." Sunshine to her was annoying. Attempts to cheer her up were even more annoying. Nothing really matters. Her outlook on the world reflected exactly what the author says about depression being a state of consciousness. Depression is so much more than a set of symptoms which have been present for 2 weeks or more. That is such a simplistic way of describing depression. Depression burns to the core of one's psyche. It is a state of mind which completely overcomes the ability to see anything but gray. Life has no meaning, no purpose, no real reason to live. My patient was resentful that she was born. "I didn't ask to be here," she lamented. For me, this wonderful young lady captured the essence of depression. She did a far better job than the DSM 5 or any textbook in describing depression. It is a state of consciousness from which there seems to be no escape. No wonder depression is a leading cause of suicide. How does one carry on when all he or she can see is gray? Our job as therapists is to open their eyes to the colors of the world.
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